i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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