She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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