How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
