i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
