Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
