i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
