somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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