brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Why are your pants in the freezer?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
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