I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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