the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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