Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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