My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
