I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
vagina is talking i cant
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
