My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
