shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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