Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Never joke about your clitoris.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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