I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
