hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
