"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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