What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
