she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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