I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
