And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
