so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
