i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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