so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Did I show you my penis last night?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
