do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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