good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
