Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
