I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
