somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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