I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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