I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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