He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Everyone says I win the strip club
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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