Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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