I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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