this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
