Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
