I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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