i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
