I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
