my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
