Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
