it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
