the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
