That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
where are my pants?
in the oven.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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