Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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