I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
