I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
