If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Randomize
